Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Just Saying

Things I Will Never Write About On This Blog:

The Arab/Israeli conflict. No winners. Bad real estate. Religion.

My neighbor's vagina.

My neighbor's other thing that sounds like a motorcycle. Tiny motorcycle with "Hello Kitty" designs on it.

Food that comes in round paper buckets. Trapezoidal paper buckets and actual metal buckets are OK, though.

This blog. Except this one time. You see the logical conundrum.

Foghat. I just have absolutely nothing to say about Foghat, and so should you.

Canadian francophone television humor. One simply cannot discuss that which does not exist.

Lite beer. Really. Look at me. Does anything about me say "lite beer?!" Heck no.

Small dogs. Except that I despise them. Dogs are supposed to be BIG. Capiche?

People who say "Capiche." If I discuss my relations with them I will surely die a violent death at the hand of close relatives.

My old lovers. I've already smeared them enough in college literary publications. And besides, they're all old and can't get it going anymore. Not me, though. I'm literally a marathoner. But I'm not proud. That's just the way it is. 2:46 best. 33.29 in the 10K on the track. Sheesh.

Celtic step-dancing. The fiddles are way OK though.

Arizona pizza. We have the best pizza shop in the world down at Copper Square. But I will not discuss it here. Instead go to his sandwich shop up Central a little ways.

Actual medical stories. Federal law requires that I fictionalize everything I say about my job, which does not actually exist. Ever. Anywhere. Period. So I will never discuss things that occur at The Great Muffin Factory where I allegedly work if I even had a job, which I probably don't, since these are quite scarce.

Nail care. I have my ideas, you have yours. Mine are better, but these require asymmetry and a lot of various files and papers.

Cedar versus Spruce. I'm leaning towards spruce, but then again there was that old Ramirez I played in college. Loud and dark, but not so easy. OK, spruce has it. Heck, why not both?

I don't count guitars anymore. It's rude. Really.

Episodes. I have a general rule in life just to never discuss Episodes. Ususally it's embarrassing to somebody, and we don't go for that here. Unless you're a Republican. Then, as we like to say, it sounds better in metric.

3 comments:

Nicole said...

"Actual medical stories. Federal law requires that I fictionalize everything I say about my job, which does not actually exist. Ever. Anywhere. Period. So I will never discuss things that occur at The Great Muffin Factory where I allegedly work if I even had a job, which I probably don't, since these are quite scarce."

hahaha

Eli Blake said...

Pizza copper square.

Not a clue at all, for us poor out of towners who visit Phoenix about three times a year and have no clue where to find anything when we get there?

I remember my first trip to downtown Phoenix a few years ago. I was shocked, SHOCKED I tell you, when I couldn't find a place to park, finally found a sign that said parking, and then I saw a sign saying how much I had to PAY.

I'd never seen paid parking before in my life (I'm 43 now, I think I was about 37 then) and it completely blew my mind. I mean, sure, I'd seen movies that had parking meters on them, but I figured those were just if you were in a hurry and had to park right in front of the building, but I thought all those underground parking structures were free. Then, it took me another year of doing that (and leaving the parking ticket in the car so I could find it when I got back in) before I learned what 'validate' meant.

Yeah, I've gotten used to it, but I didn't know about it then. So if you give me another hint on how to find the best pizza place over there (since I now KNOW where copper square is), I'd be much obliged.

On the other hand, I guess in Phoenix you never have to worry about what to do if you see a bull standing in the middle of a road you want to go down. The traffic hazards are different.

shrimplate said...

Eli, since this article came out a while back, it's been difficult to get into this pizza place.

The same chef has a sandwich shop called "Pane Bianco" on Central between Indian School and Camelback, and I really like that place. The breads are wonderful, and you choose from a selection of maybe three items available each day, posted on a chalkboard.

There's a way-cool coffee shop right next door called Lux.

Nice little lunchtime scene going there.

The first time I ever had to pay for parking was years ago in Boston, and I remember saying to the hotel clerk that "where I come from you can park anyplace you want and it's free" and she looked at me as if I'd had a new head growing out of my armpit.

Later on in a different home town we'd have to be mindful of deer and other wildlife in the road.

I've never had to stop for a bull, though!

I hope all went well at the La Posada meeting. I love that place, especially the chess table with the big pieces in the ballroom. The magnificent custom Kokopelli stereo speakers in there are also to die for.

You guys need a real Rep up there, and down here we have to oust Kyl.